


Toothpaste

by leiascully



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Domestic Fluff, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-09-28 14:05:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10112027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leiascully/pseuds/leiascully
Summary: Mulder and Scully go toothpaste shopping.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Timeline: Pre-IWTB.  
> A/N: For ohyayaseance, who guessed the most fics for the anonymous challenge.  
> Disclaimer: _The X-Files_ and all related characters are the property of Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and Fox Studios. No profit is made from this work and no infringement is intended.

A long overdue prize for @ohyayaseance, who guessed the best in the @xfficchallenges Anon Challenge!

Of all the things he imagined doing with Dana Scully, buying toothpaste wasn’t one of them.

“Do you have sensitive teeth, Mulder?” she asks, weighing two boxes in her hands. They’re both sparkly, promising the freshest breath and the whitest teeth. He couldn’t tell you the difference between them, except that one says ZEST in a swirly font and the other says AQUAFROST.

“Not really,” he tells her. 

“Hmm,” she says. “How are your gums?”

“Scully, you’re my doctor,” he says. “Shouldn’t you already know this?”

She fixes him with a gaze chillier than the promised flavor of the toothpaste (EXTREME WINTERMINT). “You do know that doctors and dentists have completely different specialties and training.” It isn’t a question.

“Sure,” he says. “I just thought you’d know.”

Her lips curve into a smile. “My familiarity with your mouth doesn’t come from your medical files,” she says, raising one eyebrow.

“And I’m grateful for that every day,” he says. “What about this one?” 

She shifts the two boxes to one hand and takes the one he gives her. “Mulder, this one’s baking soda.”

He shrugs. “I like the way it foams.”

“It tastes terrible,” she says, handing it back to him. He puts it on the shelf with the others. “How do you feel about mouthwash strips?”

He licks his teeth reflexively. “No. They stick to my gums.”

She puts a box down, but picks up another one. “Whitening?”

He shrugs. “I’m not waiting for my close-up.”

“We drink a lot of coffee,” she says. “Might as well.”

“Might as well for all of it,” he says. “Whitening. Freshening. Sensitivity. Enamel building. Can toothpaste really do that?”

Now it’s Scully’s turn to shrug. She turns the box over. “These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration,” she reads.

“There you have it,” Mulder says. He reaches for a bottle of mouthwash. “Let’s get the blue one and this blue mouthwash.”

“What does that one do?” she asks.

“I don’t know,” he says. “It’s blue. I figured the flavors would match.”

She smiles at him with warm and genuine exasperation. “Mulder.”

“Scully, I’m just happy to be brushing my teeth next to you,” he says. “I’d even use that natural stuff that doesn’t have fluoride or chemicals if that’s what you want.”

She snorts. “Chemicals are in everything, Mulder. You can’t make that kind of broad statement and say something doesn’t have chemicals.”

“You know what I mean,” he says. 

“I do,” she says, softening. “Blue is a flavor?”

“Definitely,” he says. He counts off on his fingers. “Popsicles, mouthwash, toothpaste, and hard candy.”

“The FDA hasn’t evaluated that either, I’m guessing,” she deadpans.

“It’s a known fact,” he tells her. “I’m not saying mouthwash and popsicles are the same flavor, but blue is definitely a flavor.”

“All right,” she says, and tosses one of the toothpastes into the cart. “What’s next?”

“Toilet paper,” he says. “How many factors are involved in your toilet paper selection process?”

“You have no idea,” she says. “Ply thickness, roll size, paper softness, paper strength, flushability - that’s going to matter if we’re in a place someday that isn’t on the city sewer system. And toilet paper is nothing compared to pads and tampons. I’m going to have to send you with a detailed checklist when you go on a tampon run.”

“I can’t wait,” he says, and means it.


End file.
